When you live at San Marco, it's like staying at a luxury hotel! Just look at this tremendous list of amenities, and try to stay away!

RECREATION

A beautiful pool! Swim until your heart's content! Of course, bear in mind that compared to this example photo, San Marco's pool is about 1/3 of the size, and twice as crowded. But that's OK - get to know your neighbors up close while they're accidentally kneeing you in the groin!

MODERN APPLIANCES

Are you a do-it-yourself handyman? A tinkerer at heart? Well, you'd better be. San Marco features Carter-era dryers that take three cycles to dry your clothes. Be the first to solve this mystery! As if that weren't enough, there's plenty of abandoned, dismanted cars in the parking lot, just waiting for that "mechanic's touch"!

Impress your friends and neighbors with this one! San Marco ovens defy all laws of natural science! Try to cook fries in your oven, and see the results! Half of your fries will be burnt to ashes, while the inner half is still raw! We dare you to explain that logic!

FITNESS

Now when you hear "Exercise Room", you probably think of a brightly lit room like this one, well stocked with a variety of machines and free weights. You fool! Who needs any of that garbage?! San Marco knows what's best for you!

Now THAT'S more like it. More machines just means more confusion, so San Marco provides exactly 2 malfunctioning treadmills, 2 dingy-looking stationary bikes, and 1 dilapidated weight bench. This teaches you to use your own imagination and make up new exercises! And because you might be a hideous slob who shouldn't be seen in public, San Marco thoughtfully places this exercise area in a dark, cramped room with no windows or mirrors.

San Marco is great for the sporting enthusiast as well; featuring a fine raquetball court! Now, what we call "raquetball court", you might call "a deserted alley", but believe us, it is possible to play raquetball there. San Marco also features indoor basketball - sure, the hoop is 5 feet tall and at a slight angle, but that way we're not discriminating against midgets and people with inner ear disorders. Everybody wins!

We've also got the popular "Dog in a Watery Box" machine, although we have yet to figure out what you're supposed to do with it. Only at San Marco!