28 Days Later
Absolutely terrible, pompous zombie movie that goes wrong on every possible level; I'll explain in a full review later.
Adaptation
Brilliant.
Alien vs Predator
Should have been called Alien vs Predator vs About an Hour of Pointless Human Interest Story.
Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies 0 Stars
I didn't think it would ever get any worse than The Cat in the Hat, yet Hollywood effortlessly trumped it with this atrocity against mankind.
Big Mamma's House
Certainly a lot better than I was expecting; the cream of the crop of Martin Lawrence pictures, for what that's worth.
Blue Streak
This Kirsten Dunst surfing movie was based on a magazine article, which indicates that a Hollywood producer somewhere is making million-dollar decisions while sitting on the toilet.
Bottle Rocket
A movie about really incompetant criminals, which isn't played as a comedy - instead, a 'slice of life' of people you don't really care about.
The Butterfly Effect
Dude, Where's My Car alumnus Ashton Kutchner attempts to become a serious movie star; fails.
The Cat in the Hat 0 Stars
A sad indictment of our times, see the full review for more.
Chronicles of Riddick
An entire inter-stellar army of the future, loaded with hovercrafts, pulse rifles, and lasers, is defeated by a guy with a knife - sorry, two knives.
Dawn of the Dead
On the plus side, the characters are so annoying that you don't mind them getting eaten by monsters.
Equilibrium
My guess is that the director was making a blatant 1984 rip-off, while the producers saw how much money The Matrix was making and forced him to shoehorn in a bunch of kung-fu and over-dramatic gunplay; the result will please no one.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Not bad, but this is about the 30th 'erasing memories' movie I've had to sit through.
Finding Nemo
I don't care if it's a "kids' movie", this was the most innocent fun I've seen in a long time.
Garfield the Movie
If you hate the comic strip, you're going to hate this movie - conversely, if you love the comic strip, you're going to hate this movie even more.
Heist
David Mamet writing + Gene Hackman starring = a fun, smart con movie with lots of twists, yet leaves you kind unsatisfied in the end.
Hero
Great looking scenery; boring-as-hell action where everybody floats and twirls around like a ballet.
King Arthur
Don't take a classic Middle Age legend and load it up with political correctness, feminism, and other unsavory anachronisms.
Lost in Translation
Absolutely nothing happens for 2 hours, causing critics to mistake it for a pretentious art-house flick and blow their wads all over it.
Mean Girls
I hated this movie, but Lindsey Lohan's knockers earned three stars entirely on their own accord.
The Passion of the Christ
Two hours of unrelenting savior-torture; buy the DVD and you can watch it over and over again.
Resident Evil
Watching an enhanced policewoman deliver a jump-kick to a ravenous flying zombie-dog was like a metaphor for everything that's wrong with my life.
Resident Evil: Apocalypse
The biggest suprise of the year, in that I was truly amazed at how similar it was to every other zombie movie ever made; only with more stupefying dialogue - and I must also question that if you have to kill zombies by shooting them in the head, why is there an inordinate amount of kung-fu?
Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones
Hardcore Sci-Fi nerds are never satisfied no matter what happens; so relax and enjoy some decent action and computer effects.
Van Helsing
It's a mess of every film monster ever thrown together, but if you watch with low expectations, it's still pretty entertaining and action-packed.
What's the Worst That Could Happen?
The worst almost did happen: I was about to kill myself because I couldn't endure the most boring "comedy" in the history of mankind - it goes on forever.
YuGiOh The Movie
A compromise: this movie probably doesn't deserve two stars, but there's no way in hell I'm actually going to sit through it and find out.
