BitRot - Just For You

Features

BitRot Emu News

Grocery Gimmick Gallery

Stackmaster's Digest

Game Reviews

Golden Age Garbage

Kaillera Hall of Shame

Derelict Hellhole

Articles

Downloads

Links

Guestbook

you shouldn't see this

Contact

About Us

QUOTES PAGE

Bear witness to Jim Stawiarski's Quote Page, the very codex of his wisdom and experience. While reading over these arcane quotations, bear in mind that every sentence in the Technology, Pushing the Warranty, and Computer Selling sections are real, unedited, direct quotes from the Stackmaster himself, actually told with a straight face to his customers. The other sections, no less savory, are gems of insight he bestowed on fellow employees.

Whether or not you plan on a career in sales, I recommend that you study and memorize these pearls of knowledge. If they got Jim Stawiarski where he is today, they can work for you too.

Note: I don't know where he is today.

If a quote is highlighted in blue, it's an All-time Classic Stawiarski Quote! Yay!


	*Jim Stawiarski on...* TECHNOLOGY
	Windows 95, unlike 98, is a radical remake of the operating system. Level 2 cache is like a speed dialer on a telephone. about using a restore CD It's like wipin' a blackboard! AMD forced Intel to make the Celeron. The Battery Center has every battery known to man! Most Palm Pilots are sold by word of mouth. I've forgot half of what I've ever knew about Macs. The benefits of buying extra RAM It's like having 2 drawers in your file cabinet vs. 3 drawers in your file cabinet.
	*Jim Stawiarski on...* PUSHING THE WARRANTY
	ESP = Extended Service Protection, AKA The Warranty If you use ESP, you make out. No deductible, no pro-rating, 100 percent coverage. If you use it once, it pays for itself... it justifies itself. It just takes one piece of software to create a gremlin in your system! The reasoning is that if it's working, you're a happy camper and you'll pay them. We're not Johnny-Come-Lately. We're the State Farm of retailers. We offer a 48 month umbrella of coverage. If it gives you peace of mind, we offer a blanket policy.
	*Jim Stawiarski on...* WORKING AT CIRCUIT CITY
	You're so fagged out after working these hours. We had a mini-rush. There was a pocket of rush in the morning. They flood the place with part-timers! I haven't got a drop of service today! Circuit City is micromanaging their inventory! After an employee is fired... There's not going to be any tears in my beer for that one! We're resentful that they expect us to mollycoddle her! You've got sales counselors falling off the log! *Don't ever accuse me of stacking.* I don't stack, I'm aggressive. We're middle of the road; we play the percentages. They don't know how to treat fulltimers around here. After the holidays, I'm going part time or I'm outta here. Quoted for three consecutive holiday seasons. Business has become more transient, and they go through people like (snap). If you can race around and close 'em, God bless you!
	*Jim Stawiarski on...* WHAT'S THAT NAME?
	My name is Jim if I can help you. I'm Jim, give me a holler if I can help you. My name's Jim, I'm in full time, I'll try to help you... Thank goodness I'm the only Jim here.
	*Jim Stawiarski on...* SELLING COMPUTERS
	We just have a blanket rebate across the board. How much are you willing to dump into a 3 year old machine? Well with HP, you'll never go wrong. Don't get mad at me, this is Compaq. Gimme a chance here! Be aware of it, and it's a strict rebate; I can't play around with that program. You can roll the Visa card and get an extra month of floating time. You're not buying a candy bar here. At some point you're going to have to bite the bullet. The big advantage of doing business with us: We have 500 stores across the nation. I do have my own credit card you can apply for on the spot. It's model switchover time! This price reflects the drop in technology. Jim, presenting the Holy L.P.G. Bear in mind our guarantee, that if I carry it, I can meet and beat any local competitor. Use your eye, not DPI. There's a mistake in the system and I can pretend like I don't know anything. I think I can get you the Circuit City credit card discount. Note: there is no Circuit City credit card discount. You have to ask yourself this question: Are you going to buy special paper? You're flogging a dead horse! We're a deep discounter. It is a very above average set of speakers. A bargain is not a bargain if you have to turn around and spend $100 right there. You're taking a ride on a moving train. The more you pay is how long you ride. If you have a questioning eye, you'll want the Visioneer. The PII is my premiere processor. You can get a lot of features for not very much money. You can't outsmart technology. You can second guess yourself to infinity! Epson is only good if you have a professional or semiprofessional use for color. I'm going to dangle a carrot over your nose.
	*Jim Stawiarski on...* EVERYTHING ELSE
	That's double indemnity! There's a method to this madness! It's the principle of the thing! You're setting up a landmine that could come back at you in 6 months. If you get caught, you are one sorry dude. The people are that ignorant! It's absolutely mind boggling! I'm trying to support a family. They're making their own bed, they're gonna sleep in it next year. That's like trying to keep an elephant locked up in a little....cage! They took waran-teee-ee! That was a boom-boom-boom sale! About Tim Kenney, Ace Sales Counselor He runs hot and cold... About Jack Thompson, Audio Sales Counselor He runs hot and cold... About Rob Rich, SOHO Sales Counselor He runs hot and cold... About overall business in the computer dept. It runs hot and cold... We're grasping at straws here! They're beating me up! The back to school rush is officially over. The average shelf life of a computer is 3 months. You can't play little miss green pea! It's becoming more and more; it's not the sales counselor, it's the customer. Part timers always come in and skim the gravy. They're at a Mexican standoff here. Look at the rigamarole we put him through. It's the nature of the beast!

OK, so you've read the quotes, and perhaps you're not impressed with their sheer magnitude. You've got to imagine the context. Picture this: You're looking at buying a computer. An old man that looks and sounds not unlike George Bush Sr. comes up to you and says "You're taking a ride on a moving train!" How do you react to something like that? Confusion? Denial? A punch in the face? (actually happened to him once)

Worse yet, if you're an employee; standing an aisle away, how do you resist breaking out in laughter? That'll kill a sale pretty quickly.

I only hope than now you understand the decadent, burdensome reality of the Jim Stawiarski Quotes. Use them well.

Back to the Stackmaster's Digest