The Story: While playing Onslaught one day, I kept losing very badly, over and over again. Wondering what the problem was, I switched to spectator mode and had a look at my teammates. What I discovered, shocked me - here, in person, was the worst player in the history of Unreal Tournament.
He was no newbie - new players mean well, but are still learning about the game. He wasn't a griefer - they know how to play, but choose to annoy everyone else on purpose. This was the UltraNewb, a player so amazingly out of touch, living in his own little world apart from everyone else.
I was amazed by what I saw. Unfortunately, it was too late to record a demo of him in action. But here, as a service to you, is a re-enactment of that fateful night, with added commentary as I imagine the UltraNewb was thinking.
EVERYTHING YOU SEE IS TRUE AND ACTUALLY HAPPENED
Dur! Let's begin!
I get teh plane!
My whole team is rushing towards that yellow beam over there, I wonder why? Oh well, I like flying! D'oh! Keep running into that stupid tower! Who puts a tower in the base!
Uh oh! My plane's smoking! Better eject right here, in the middle of nowhere!
Whee!
What happened!?
Hey! The game restarted!
And my plane came back again! Good, because it's mine and nobody else gets to use it.
Finally, after floating around aimlessly for a while, I've reached the enemy base!
It's curiously deserted. Where's all the red players? I hear the sounds of furious combat far away, but that couldn't be important. Hey, a turret!
E. E. E. Why can't I get into the turret?! Maybe if I sit here and press E a for another two minutes, it will let me enter.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
